A few weeks ago, as I had been reflecting upon the past year, what came to my mind was that my life had expanded in a way that truly encompassed far more than running. During the same time, I had been reading The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson, and there were many things written that spoke to me and aligned with certain concepts that I felt God had been in the process of teaching me.
Especially at the beginning of the year, during my most difficult time of injury, it ended up being a valuable opportunity for me to relearn how to enjoy and invest myself in my passions outside of running. To name a few, I started playing guitar again, was more intentional in how I spent time with people, and went on more adventures (mostly lots of solo-biking excursions) to help me satisfy my need to be outside and explore. My forced step-back from training caused me to realize that I had let myself get mentally consumed with running for many years, and I had left little room for anything else in my life. This time of injury taught me to embrace a way of life that was not seamlessly tailored to my running, and instead I was challenged to more purposefully embrace the joys of life found outside of my sport.
Essentially, this was the first time in a long time that I was moved to widen the personal perspective of my life to extend beyond running. Throughout high school and into college, I was giving my absolute everything to be the best I could possibly be. However, even though it is this kind of drive and commitment that can potentially make the greatest athletes, I was awakened to this thought: “But my life as a child of God is even greater!” What I thought was the pursuit of a big dream was actually falling short of the full vision that God intended for me to live by! In God, there is endless abundance, and as I embrace this truth of who He is, I discover that He makes it possible to live in a way that gives me the ability to freely pour my heart into anything and everything that I desire–without limits! By design, being sourced in God makes me able to pursue my passion in running wholeheartedly and still freely live my life in all of its fullness and pursue my other passions! It’s not a matter of “or” with God; it’s always “and“, because He is infinite and encompasses everything!
For the first time, my eyes were opened to how free life could be while still striving for greatness in my sport. The change that took place to open me to this reality was simply mental: widening the perspective of what my life can encompass, embracing the freedom that comes from sourcing my dreams in God, and trusting that His abundance can empower me to realize all my greatest ambitions! The ongoing challenge became for me to remain attuned to where the most joy can be found. Sometimes, that may come from the satisfaction of running an extra mile, but other times, it may be to rest and spend time with a friend instead. In essence, it’s all about not overthinking decisions beyond simply discerning what choices are the most personally life-giving, because that will translate into all areas of life to serve me best as a whole!
But let’s be clear: nothing has been taken away from my motivation or commitment to the necessary lifestyle and actions that support my athletic goals. If anything, my passion and excitement are burning brighter than ever! All I have done is establish a better balance within my lifestyle and mental approach, and I truly believe that this will only improve my performance, all while making it possible for me to still invest in things that engage other important aspects of who I am, too! Because I believe in this, I actually have even more confidence in my ability to achieve my biggest goals–in a way that is more sustainable and that will bring even more joy to the journey!
Over the remainder of the year, though, I would discover that these ideas still had some more refining to do. This began to take place during this past fall, during which I experienced stepping out in faith in the most tangible ways I have ever experienced. For me, this looked like choosing to believe in myself being able to do something that–in my mind–made absolutely no sense that I could do. (Being a perfectionist, I have a tendency to become overly dependent on consistency and routine in my training. So, when that process doesn’t look perfect, I sometimes cause myself more stress than any reasonable person should, and that sometimes lets doubts creep in.) To give an example of this, when I was coming off of injury, I was at a point where I had ran no more than about 30 minutes on land, but then I hopped into a 1k workout and ran faster than I had at the beginning of the season, before I had gotten inured! The thought of even trying the workout seemed kinda crazy to me (I only did it with the hope of possibly still pulling off a race by the end of the season), but at the same time, something inside of me was eager to accept the challenge, throw myself into this unknown, and rise up against my own doubts. Each time I took the chance to believe in something–despite how it counteracted my usual thought processes–I was amazed with what I discovered I could do when I replaced my doubts with the belief that God’s ways are simply greater, and in Him all things are possible! I truly believe that the biggest obstacle is our own minds, and I personally think that our mental barriers are significantly easier to surpass when we rely on our faith to trust in God’s promises more than our own thoughts!
Batterson said it best when he indicated, “Sometimes faith seems like a denial of reality, but that’s because we’re holding onto a reality that is more real than the reality we can perceive with our five senses” (38). This is the reality of God’s Spirit living inside of you and actively working in the world around you–and it is usually illustrated in ways that surpass our worldly expectations! Each time I put my faith into action, it was like I was discovering new realms of possibility. It was a personal demonstration of the power found in God’s presence, and it proved to me that a belief that goes beyond one’s own understanding can be the key that unlocks their greatest potential.
There is no better feeling than doing something you think you cannot do–it is moments like that in which I most strongly sense God’s pleasure, and that is something I will forever seek to experience more of. After all, that’s why I train, why I race, why I will always strive for more, continue setting higher goals, and endlessly dream bigger. “Nothing honors God more than a big dream that is way beyond our ability to accomplish,” Batterson says. “Why? Because there is no way we can take credit for it. And nothing is better for our spiritual development than a big dream because it keeps us on our knees in raw dependence on God. Drawing prayer circles around our dreams isn’t just a mechanism whereby we accomplish great things for God; it’s a mechanism whereby God accomplishes great things in us” (45). (It’s also important to note here that Batterson equates praying with dreaming, and he actually refers to dreaming as a form of prayer.)
While there are several different aspects that contribute to my “why” for running, the one that has been most prominent in my heart over the past year is this: I want to see what God has made me capable of. For as long as I can, I want to discover for myself just how far into God’s horizons of possibility I can go and answer the call to redefine what seems “impossible”. I’m more than a dreamer, I’m an explorer on a personal journey toward discovery. And this “why” is exactly what keeps me so dependent on God through the adventure of it all.
To continue, as it eventually came toward the end of the year, I realized my desire for how I wanted to approach this next year: I want to leave more room for God to work within my life and simply be who He is! I want to fill my life with even more of His freedom, His adventure, His joy, His love that overflows, and give Him space to exemplify more of His divine power! But soon after this thought came to me, I had read this statement from The Circle Maker, and I realized that it ably expressed what my heart was after: “…I’ve been repeating one prayer with great frequency: ‘Lord, do something unpredictable and uncontrollable. That is a scary prayer, especially for a control freak like me, but it doesn’t scare me nearly as much as a life void of holy surprises…If you want God to surprise you, you have to give up control. You will lose a measure of predictability, but you will begin to see God move in uncontrollable ways!” (Batterson, 66).
Over the entire course of the year, God had been teaching me the value found in releasing my grip from all the things I try to control and detaching myself from my perfectionist tendencies. Mentally, I now seek to recognize when I am unnecessarily holding myself to controlling expectations that won’t actually benefit me, and I find that what comes to replace them is a feeling of ease–for I can rest in the reassurance of having let go of my concerns and put them in the hands of the Father. Even better, this gives God the opportunity to surprise me! Surely, He is capable of doing far greater things than I ever could have brought about on my own!! I feel God challenging me to consider that there’s more for me…if I am just willing to let go a little bit and let Him show off what He can do! By inviting God to move in His “unpredictable and uncontrollable ways”, I can confidently trust that God will respond by demonstrating even more of His divine power within my life!
I am determined to live my life in a way that truly exemplifies following Jesus. The beauty of this is that the only certainty is that it will be an adventure! And if I’m being honest, I find that nothing else satisfies my soul as much as this…and when I intentionally welcome the truth that God’s ways are higher than my own, nothing else gives me a greater sense of the reality that in Him alone is where real life can be found. Not only will this expand my life in countless fulfilling ways and enable me to radiate the Joy of the Lord with greater strength…at the heart of it all, it simply glorifies the One True King by testifying to the truth of His goodness!
In summary, as a result of the unique ways that God has used my experiences with injury over this past year, I can confidently say that, for the first time since I started running competitively, I am having more fun than ever, living more freely than ever, dreaming bigger than ever, loving others better, more fully living out my complete identity, and closer in relationship with God than ever before! This year mostly felt like walking through the fire, but God was so incredibly faithful in how He used every moment to refine me and open my eyes to the fullness of life that is found when I let Him move in His unpredictable and uncontrollable ways! After all, it was unpredictable that my series of injuries would end up being some of the greatest blessings for me to receive, and it seemed uncontrollable with how it all lasted so long…but I have been left utterly amazed at how beautifully God used absolutely all of it for good! I cannot put enough emphasis on that.
Batterson shared a heartfelt prayer that speaks to how I personally feel about the “path” that I have been walking: “So now I pray that it will take long enough and be hard enough for God to receive all the glory. I’m not looking for the path of least resistance; I’m looking for the path of greatest glory” (The Circle Maker, 196). Despite all I’ve written, there is part of me that is simply left in awe when I look at the big picture of my journey, because the entire process opened me to experience God in the rawest, real ways I ever could have imagined, and the personal impact was incomparable! I feel like I got to know the person of Jesus in more intimate ways than I had ever yet to experience: as a friend, a comforter, a loving Father, my unfailing hope, the unending source of my joy, and so much more…and all I can say is that He is so loving, so faithful, and simply so unbelievably good! Life has never been more of an adventure, has never been filled with more abundance, and the reality of God’s presence in all things has never felt more glorious! To me, every moment of hardship was worth it to bring me to this point–and I know that God sure isn’t finished with me yet! This is only the beginning!!
All glory to you, God!!
Amen. Amen. Amen.