Update: I’m Still Here

I’ll start with this: obviously, things didn’t go at all how I hoped they would this cross country season…but I’m still smiling! However, for most of this fall, this was definitely NOT the case. I was not okay for several weeks, because it felt like I couldn’t mentally/emotionally handle being in the midst of another injury and missing out on the incredible journey the NC State team was on to win our second NCAA title. I was dealing with piriformis syndrome, which occurred after racing at Notre Dame (because of the hurricane during the time, our flights got canceled and we had to bus back, and the following day was the onset.) Despite my many–sometimes desperate–efforts to try, I couldn’t run without having nerve pain throughout my leg, which prevented me from keeping a normal gait, and the last thing we wanted to do was have another injury popping up due to not being able to run normally. We tried many different treatments, but time was the biggest factor in resolving the issue, and it was not on my side. 

All of that is to say that once again, even though it absolutely sucks to deal with another injury, (and it’s honestly embarrassing at this point for me to have to share about how I was unable to compete another season), there has been a silver lining in the midst of it that has been extremely impactful to me, and I will use it as benefit moving forward. This latest injury brought me to a legitimate breaking point for the first time in my life–and it was scary. After several weeks of battling this injury, it got to the point where everything felt like too much, and I abruptly went home for a weekend and had a breakdown where I wrestled with thoughts about if I should even keep running. But God works in mysterious ways…

In hindsight, I feel like this was all a form of much-needed release. After feeling as if I had finally snapped, all of a sudden I felt reborn! Everything turned around after that point–my mind felt clear again and my eyes were opened in a new way–and I felt like myself again! But not just that; I felt like myself in a way that existed before having ever dealt with any injury and the suffering that comes with it. I realized that for a long time, I had been stuck in a lot of fear and frustration with running. But now, in being able to recognize it, I have simply made the decision to let it go, and go back to the beginning.

I decided that I’m done letting myself think that I’m fragile, that I can’t do what others can, that I have to always keep myself safe by holding back, that I can’t trust myself…because that isn’t how God made me to operate. That way of thinking is entirely contradictory to that which made me fall in love with running in the first place. The girl that fell in love with running was free and confident that anything is possible; she didn’t know any better except to give it her all and set her eyes upon rising to the top; she had no fear, she only fiercely believed. This is the reality of me, and this is where my passion burns brightest and I find my greatest happiness. 

I had recently written this line while journaling: “Before I knew anything of the world, there was untamed belief in God inspiring the highest dreams in me.” This is always what has guided me in life, and this is why I still refuse to give up until I know I have explored the farthest possible extent of these dreams. I don’t care if others doubt me or think I don’t have what it takes anymore. I have not even gotten close to what I believe I can achieve, and that belief is all I need to keep pressing on. 

So let it be known: this is where my mind is at. I’m still here–determined, putting in work, believing and dreaming big (and thankfully my body seems to be following suit, as training is starting to go well again, too)! I’m embracing the entirety of this process, because the things God has been working within me involve far more than running. It has all surely tested my patience…but I’m only becoming more myself, in better ways than I could have imagined! I’ve accepted that as part of my unique journey, and I’ve chosen to be proud of what that looks like and share about it anyway–even if it’s not what I (or others) hoped it would be. I’m putting the past and its expectations behind me, and I’m continuing to move forward into the promise with everything I’ve got…no matter how many times I have to declare that this is just the beginning. 

My hope is that anyone else who may be struggling to believe can also have the courage to join me in saying once again and many times more, “THE BEST IS YET TO COME!”