I want to bring light to my recent experiences with injury–starting from the beginning. (So, get ready for a semi-long story…but also feel free to skip to the Fall 2021 section, because that’s where a lot of things started to come full circle during a special season for the Wolfpack family!!) When I was still caught in the midst of the various ups and downs of recurring injuries, I did not always feel in a good place to share, so I left it somewhat in the dark. However, as time has gone on, I feel that I have been able to better process and appreciate the purpose within each phase. Ultimately, each chapter of my journey contained its own piece of victory that contributed to refining me and building upon my life in a way that encompassed far more than running. I hope to dive more in-depth with some of the specific lessons that I learned throughout this process (marked by underlines), but I wanted to begin with a story-template to set the context and establish a basis for what facilitated the personal growth I experienced. This was an ongoing journey of transformation, and it sure isn’t over yet!!
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Spring/Summer 2020
During my senior year of high school, within the same week that everything shut down due to the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, I dealt with the onset of my first running injury. After running on a particularly rough trail, a small but specific ache in my lower right tibia made me concerned that I possibly had a stress reaction, so we got an MRI. However, I was told that nothing showed up, so it was most likely a soft-tissue injury, and that I was good to run to my tolerance. So, I started easing back into running, even though an ache was still there. “But they said it wasn’t a stress reaction, so it will eventually work itself out…right?” Being someone who has a high pain tolerance, I kept running, until one day it became too much, and I knew that I needed to find out what was really wrong. After a second MRI at a different hospital, I was diagnosed with a grade 3 stress reaction–by this point, I was told that it was almost a full fracture. I was devastated when I was told that I would need to use crutches for a full month that summer–not the ideal summer buildup as I prepared to enter college athletics.
I swam and aqua-jogged 6 days a week in my friend’s outdoor in-ground pool nearly the entire spring and summer, since it took a long time until I was cleared to bike, and I had virtually no other options for cross-training during the height of the COVID-19 restrictions (this was after first getting kicked out of a nearby lake by a park ranger…and since my injury started in the early spring, I even borrowed a wetsuit to deal with the cold–it was kind of traumatizing, honestly). Full disclosure: these few months utterly sucked, but what got me through was keeping in mind the big picture of what I hoped to accomplish with my team at NC State that fall.
Fall 2020
I came to NC State still having to cross train for a while (thankfully I was introduced to the ElliptiGo and fell in love with it as my go-to method of cross-training–you can get FIT on that thing). Then, I gradually started my running build up. However, as I now look back on this time, I can recognize the extent to which I tend to become my own worst enemy, because of how hard I like to work. I was still cross-training like a maniac since I wasn’t at full mileage yet, and the return to running after injury was new territory to me, so I didn’t go about it with as much caution as I should have. As I progressed my buildup, with big goals in mind and tons of excitement as I was finally able to run with my teammates, I eventually reached the point of starting running workouts. But after only a few short weeks, I felt that haunting ache again…and Round 2 of injury began. At least this time I caught it early: Grade 1 stress reaction in the same exact spot, and 2 weeks of doing absolutely nothing to be extra safe. To keep it concise, I went through more injury recovery and another buildup–this time more conservative than the first.
Winter/Spring2021
Just after I came back to school after winter break, I once again finally reached the point of being ready to start running workouts. I got in a few workouts, until one day my calf seized up when doing strides. But afterward, I realized that it wasn’t my calf–it was my achilles. Despite doing lots of strength work as part of my regular training, we speculated that my calves in particular were not strong enough to perform in workouts at the same level that my cardiovascular system was ready to. So, Round 3 of injury commenced with a maddening case of tendonitis. The entire spring semester, it was an exhausting cycle of cross training, trying to make it through short runs, my achilles still refusing to cooperate, more rest, then trying again. At first, I was fighting with the hope that I could possibly still have a shot at a track season, but as time went on with little improvement, I simply became desperate to run, because I was mentally reaching a breaking point.
For most of this semester, I was dealing with the most stress I have ever experienced, regularly couldn’t fall asleep at night, and frequently dealt with lots of tears and meltdowns. Despite all the treatment, PT, and other resources that I was utilizing, I was getting nowhere and felt utterly helpless. During the times of injury I had previously experienced, I always tried to remain open with a teachable spirit, with the hope that I could possibly make sense of God’s purpose for my current circumstances. But at this point, so many times I would cry out, “Why? What do I have to learn from this? Why can’t it just stop?” It may sound dramatic, but sometimes it felt like suffering.
Eventually, we decided that we needed to completely shut down my training and re-start to begin a long, slow preparation for the fall. After so desperately chasing after the freedom of being able to simply do what I love again, even time off seemed painful rather than relieving. I felt as if I finally hit rock bottom–my injury got the best of me, and it was time to stop fighting. However, it didn’t take me long to realize that being brought to my knees was exactly what I needed, because it gave me no other option than to surrender everything to God and finally rest in Him. I gave up attempting to control my situation, freed myself from the burden that I had been carrying for so long, and accepted that I was going to completely start over and build myself up from the ground. Honestly, I was thankful to have experienced this low moment, because it was both humbling and liberating, and it gave me the fresh start that I didn’t realize I so desperately needed.
Summer 2021
After the complete 2-week reset, I thankfully never felt my achilles again (it seemed like a miracle)! That entire summer, I embraced a mindset of having the opportunity to fall in love with running all over again. For months, I celebrated even the smallest victories as I slowly built mileage, maintained consistency, and gradually started feeling like myself as a runner again. It was tiresome and still full of many challenges (in addition to an underlying fear of getting injured again that I couldn’t quite shake for a long time), but in the process I learned how to listen to my body better while embracing a heightened appreciation for the value of each step I was able to take. If I could only keep my feet on the ground, it was all I needed to continue pursuing my dreams.
Fall 2021 (with more detail)
When I went back to school to start the fall semester, I was nearing the end of my build. At first it was challenging adjusting to training with the team again, because there were some things that I still had to do differently in order to stay healthy (usually running shorter, modifying some workouts, and sometimes running alone to be on soft surfaces more frequently). Honestly, this sometimes caused me to have moments where I felt discouraged. With the entire team sharing the common goal of winning a national title, I naturally wanted to pursue this goal side-by-side with them every step of the way. However, I had to consistently remind myself that I needed to stay true to what works best for me in training. Even if my path looked a bit different in some aspects, I had to confidently trust that it would uniquely translate into my performances, enable me to perform at my personal best, and maximize my contribution to the team.
It was beyond exciting for me to finally be running with my teammates as we started bigger workouts. It was an incredible feeling to have them bring out the best in me and help me discover that I was able to do things that I never knew I could! As I started to realize this, I felt deeply thankful to God. I distinctly remember having a moment in my garage after doing a core routine (random time, I know) where I was praying on my knees, reflecting on my journey over the past year and a half and humbly thanking God with tears of joy for where my journey had currently led me to. For a long time, I had doubts that I would ever be able to run like how I did in high school, but within those few weeks of training with my team, I was having the best workouts of my life, and I was revealing to myself that there was even more potential in store! As I prayed, I was humbled that I would soon have the opportunity to glorify God by racing soon–I could finally pour out my thanks by racing with a heart of joyful worship! This was a deeply heartfelt, powerful moment for me, and it happened about a week before the first race of the season was scheduled.
A few days later, my calf acted up during the warmup for our last big workout before the race, but after finishing up drills and strides, I felt that I was fine to go through with the workout. Sure enough, I felt great and had no issues at all! However, later that evening, I noticed an all-too-familiar ache in my shin that came out of nowhere. I tried to stay calm, remain focused for the upcoming race, and trust that a day or two of rest would be enough to get things feeling normal again. But it didn’t go away, and we decided that it was best to be safe and not race until we knew what was wrong. I couldn’t ignore the feeling of dread that I was literally feeling in my bones–I knew I had another reaction, this time in the opposite leg. I was absolutely devastated that I couldn’t race. To have come so far, gotten so close to finally putting on the NC State uniform and racing with my teammates, and then to have the opportunity taken away only days before was unbearably painful. Honestly, I was a mess. And I was angry. My heart was so eager to unleash the passion that had been held captive inside for so long, but now I didn’t have the chance. Even more painful than that, I felt like I was letting my team down in the most important season. I was deeply hurt.
After 3 days of letting myself be a wreck, I was able to pull myself together, go to God, sort through my thoughts and emotions with Him, and refocus my perspective. It was still very early in the season, and there was still hope to give myself a possible shot at contributing to our team goal of winning a national title at the end of the season. If I was going to set myself up to serve my team as much as I could (given my circumstances), then I needed to take my focus off myself and put it onto my team. I didn’t care about any personal goal for this season–I just wanted to do everything I possibly could to do my part for the team. The day before I got my MRI (which confirmed my injury to be exactly what I predicted: a grade 2 stress reaction that would require me to be on crutches for 2 weeks), I wrote out the date of the NCAA Cross Country Championships along with the phrase, “This is bigger than me” on a piece of paper, and I put it above my desk to look at every day as a reminder.
This purpose gave me a sense of drive that I had never experienced to the same extent during my other times of injury. There were rarely moments where I felt sorry for myself anymore–I didn’t let myself think that way, because I wanted to keep myself in the same mental state that I would have had if I was still running alongside my teammates. It helped me embrace my cross-training more as I mimicked the team’s tempo workouts in the pool and aqua-jogged/biked/ElliptiGo’ed similar intervals. Although there were many times where I longed to be with my teammates at practice and encourage them in person before races, I frequently told myself, “I am there, running with them in heart”.
In addition to this team-oriented mindset, I also channeled a new kind of drive in regard to recovering faster from my injury: cross-training smarter (not harder), being extra intentional to accelerate my healing with the benefits of fueling, and maximizing my rest and recovery as much as possible. I noticeably healed from my injury faster than I had in the past, and my return to running was significantly smoother. In my mind, I wanted to leave absolutely no box unchecked that would help me heal from my injury and return to running with my team as quickly as possible. It seemed like before I knew it, I was running on land again, and shortly after, I hopped into some workouts to see where I was at. I was genuinely shocked, because it was as if my body was able to match the mindset that I had been holding onto! It was like I had picked up right where I left off–still in position, ready to race! These few weeks contained what I would probably consider the most incredible experience with running that I’ve yet to have. I was stepping out in faith every day and finding that I was able to do things that I didn’t think were possible (or at least, in my mind, things that personally didn’t make sense that I was able to do). The realizations and other mental tools that I gained from taking these risks and stepping out of my comfort zone were invaluable; I was thankful that it was my hope and motivation to support my team that served as the driving forces that led me to obtain these assets.
Ultimately, the timeline was too short for me to get in a race before nationals to determine if I was truly ready to race at the championships, but I was thankful to still have the opportunity to go with the team to nationals as one of the alternates. It was an honor to share in the experience of traveling with the team, doing pre-meet, warming up and cooling down with them, and (most of all) celebrating our first NATIONAL TITLE!! Even though I was stuck at the side of the track doing cross-training for most of the season, it gave me the best view of my teammates working together each day to chase down the common goal of a national title, and it was inspiring to be there in person to watch them fulfill the dream! The way I see it, we just need to do it all again next year!!
I took a short break after nationals before starting to prepare for the indoor track season, and thankfully I had a quicker build and a more smooth transition into workouts! I have been able to maintain consistency over this winter break, and I credit both the lessons I learned from previous injuries and also the habits I had maintained after recovering from my most recent injury to be the greatest contributing factors that have helped me stay healthy (and I am hopeful that I will continue this trend!) I feel that I have an even greater joy and appreciation for running than I have ever had before. Especially when I am running with my teammates, running has truly never been more fun, and I am excited to continue having fun alongside my teammates to discover what can be accomplished next!! 🙂
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So, this is what was going on when I fell off the face of the earth for almost two years…but as I have come to further appreciate my imperfect journey, I wanted to be outspoken about it to encourage others through the difficult times of their own journeys! If all this rambling/storytelling/chronicle of events can communicate anything, I hope it can be this: the challenges you are facing now are only going to bring out something even greater in you!!
